Mating in Captivity

Desert Soul- acrylic & pastel on masonite - 48" x 48"

Leo full moon last night. The most important thing is heart - I can feel mine beating.

I'm reading a book by Esther Perel called "Mating in Captivity" - here are some interesting bits:

" One aspect of the erotic blueprint that illustrates the irrationality of our desire is that what excites us most often arises from our childhood hurts and frustrations".

"The central agent of eroticism is the human imagination, but for many people the project of sexual self-discovery is hampered by parental messages that induce fear, guilt, and mistrust".

"The body is the purest, most primal tool we have for communicating. As Roland Barthes wrote, "What language conceals is said through my body.""

"Erotic intimacy is an act of generosity and self-centeredness, of giving and taking.".

"The first place we learn about love and relationships is in our original family".

"Love and desire are not the same. Cozy is not the same as sexy".

"Intimacy does nurture desire, but sexual pleasure also demands separateness. Erotic excitement requires that we be able to step out of the intimate bond for a moment, turn toward ourselves, and focus on our own mounting sensations. We need to be able to be momentarily selfish in order to be erotically connected."

Arrow of Pain

"Arrow of Pain" - acrylic & pastel on paper - 4'x5' 

I'm painting again. It's back to a more physical way of being - painting puts me in touch with my body, movement and physical expression and is a form of ecstasy and release. I paint to music, loud music and this also sets a mood, a tone, a feeling.

This new series of paintings begun on Monday, November 19th are a journey for me into intimacy. I am painting and writing together - the one engenders the other, not sure in what order.

This latest is titled "Arrow of Pain" and with it comes Realization. Going deeper, more intimate, more, more, more. What does it mean? Being scared, but of what? Facing all the pain that intimacy has engendered over the years, facing all the mistakes, the regrets, the paths taken. Going into and beyond the hurt to reach the other side. Going deeply into feeling, so deeply that one fears getting lost inside.

I face my alone-ness every day. Some days it hurts. Some days I can work through it. Today I paint through it because I feel the pain more acutely. We are always truly alone and it hurts.

Musical Inspiration: Paul Van Dyck, Bjork, Loreena McKennitt, Tori Amos, 80's pop.